These days, so many of us have lost or been betrayed in love. Because of the pain, we become more jealous as a weapon against the pain of losing another relationship. We use jealousy to try to keep away any threat to our love.
Popular music doesn’t help. We have songs like “Every Breath You Take” and others that talk about how hard someone will work to “protect” that relationship.
But if you really listen to the music, you hear the sound of pain and jealousy, not love.
That’s because jealousy destroys love. Love cannot exist without trust, and trust cannot exist where there is jealousy.
But how do you learn to put down your protective jealousy and risk love again?
Ditch Your Insecurity
There is nothing more attractive than confidence. So, it’s no coincidence that insecurity can devastate a relationship.
When you boil it down, jealousy comes from feeling insecure. That insecurity could be a fear that a partner will cheat if they have the opportunity. So, you jealously guard them against temptations.
But the harder you try to control a partner, the more likely they are to leave.
On the other hand, a confident person understands that if a partner cheats, it means that the partner wasn’t right for them. They don’t feel that they failed to stop their partner from cheating.
And a confident person bounces back from the hurt of infidelity more easily. By understanding that they’re strong enough to look for a better partner, their confidence protects them in a way that jealousy never could.
Call It What It Is.
While working on your confidence, you can take other steps to get over your jealousy. First, call it what it is. When your partner does something that makes you feel out of control, it’s jealousy. When you want to tell your partner where they can and cannot go, or who they can or cannot speak to, it’s jealousy.
It’s like any other problem… the first step is to admit you have one.
By realizing that this is jealousy, you name your fear, and you begin to control that jealousy. Since the only thing you can control is yourself, naming your jealousy helps you to control your reactions.
Take a Look at It.
Once you start to notice when you feel jealous, you can start to look at it more closely. You can ask yourself a few questions. The answers will help you to release the fear and move past jealousy.
Ask yourself, what just happened that triggered my feeling? Don’t try to place blame… the answer cannot be that “she hid her phone.” The answer should be more like, “when she put her phone away quickly, it reminded me of when my ex-hid her affair.”
The answers need to be objective. People can act the same way with entirely different reasons. If your date put her phone away quickly, it may be that she wanted to focus on what you were saying and not be distracted by her phone.
Instead of allowing jealousy to ruin your relationship, you can reframe it. When you realize that you’re feeling jealous, you can react by reminding yourself how lucky you are that you’re no longer in that old relationship. You’re lucky because you’ve moved on and don’t have to be bogged down by the old pain.
Any time your jealousy prompts you to try to do something that will damage your relationship, do something nice for them instead.
So, jealousy says to tell him he can’t talk to an old girlfriend from high school… so, instead, you tell him how much you admire that he can be friends with an old flame and can you meet her?
If she’s coming home late from work a lot lately, make dinner for her and let her know that you want to help her de-stress from work.
By trusting your partner to be truthful with you, you allow your partner to love you. And you make your relationship more fulfilling for you both.
So, in the end, by curbing your jealousy, you improve your chances of a love that will last.